I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it hurts more in the daytime
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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