my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
