so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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