I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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