These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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