I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My balls are so social today.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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