You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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