The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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