I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you win again, gameday.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
