Texts From Last Night

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  (805): View more from California

  she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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  (805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu http://tfl.nu/ucad
  Replies (12) Good night (7338) Bad night (744)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

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  (813): Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida http://tfl.nu/bfwv
  Replies (30) Good night (3611) Bad night (967)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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  (302): dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit http://tfl.nu/61qr
  Replies (13) Good night (6680) Bad night (1144)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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  (708): I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome http://tfl.nu/0ypv
  Replies (11) Good night (1672) Bad night (4062)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
  Replies (14) Good night (7114) Bad night (1058)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

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  (814): He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind" http://tfl.nu/73d5
  Replies (14) Good night (2896) Bad night (848)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth

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  (602): I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth http://tfl.nu/7hav
  Replies (5) Good night (1349) Bad night (473)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level

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  (603): i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level http://tfl.nu/sciw
  Replies (4) Good night (384) Bad night (1100)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I just took the cheapest shot in your honor

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  (304): I just took the cheapest shot in your honor http://tfl.nu/u3ke
  Replies (1) Good night (918) Bad night (380)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

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  (610): I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes http://tfl.nu/kawt
  Replies (4) Good night (1078) Bad night (522)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it

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  (780): Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it http://tfl.nu/2d0a
  Replies (1) Good night (791) Bad night (240)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.

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  (334): Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner. http://tfl.nu/nga8
  Replies (4) Good night (446) Bad night (711)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.

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  (815): I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers. http://tfl.nu/2uqi
  Replies (1) Good night (484) Bad night (217)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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  (615): I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET. (865): Spopky scrzy skeletonssz http://tfl.nu/c8hh
  Replies (5) Good night (668) Bad night (305)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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  (425): That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick http://tfl.nu/9s4e
  Replies (3) Good night (676) Bad night (231)

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