Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
