Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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