She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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