I wish my penis had an off switch
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
