Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
