if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
