thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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