As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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