Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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