Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
