Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
