i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
