Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize