We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
