I think I died a long time ago.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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