drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
