My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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