I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
