god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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