Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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