He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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