i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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