I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
