dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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