Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
