You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
