sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
