Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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