I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
