just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
