I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the condom got lost in my hair
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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