guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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