They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
