At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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