I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
