I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
