I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
