my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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