On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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