I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
