Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
