Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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