No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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