Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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