Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
