Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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