Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm way too hungover for life right now