theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
