I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
